Silent Child

Sad to say, I have low self-esteem ever since I reached 3rd grade. I was known to be the quietest student in Akiuk. Out of school, my community in ------ knew me as alingtaq, which means a person who gets scared of anything and anyone. In general, I was shy and quiet around people.
During the two years before going on to 3rd grade, I felt more comfortable with my environment and my teachers. One reason was because my classmates and I were educated in Yup’ik in all subjects. I felt like I conquered reading, writing, and math. Though, I was still quiet. Until I moved into 3rd grade, it worsened. The year I transferred from Yupik education to English. That meant I had an English teacher, who only spoke English.
I had Ms. Rose as my 3rd grade teacher. Whenever Ms. Rose called me in front of class to answer a question, she had to come real close to my mouth in order for her to hear me. Funny thing is, I still wasn’t heard. I was mute. Actually, being in English 111 brought back the memories how I used to be like then. Being the quiet one, and let others take charge.
I’m actually talkative. White people have intimidated me all my life. Their first language is English. I spoke Yup’ik growing up. I had to learn English when I finally entered 3rd grade. I had to work twice as hard to get to where I am now. I had issues talking in front of my own kind, too, in class. Yet, I knew the answers to what the teacher asked. I couldn’t talk in front of them because there was only one other girl in the class with me.
I hated quietness dominating me. I desired to come out of my shell. I was tired of being known as the shy girl in school. Instead of having clammy hands, I wanted to crack open to become confident and comfortable talking in front of an audience. I became determined to build my confidence. I didn’t know how I’d over come my silence.
Ms. Rose introduced speech contest to me in 5th grade. I thought students just gave a speech to only two judges through out the contest. Reluctantly, I joined speech. What the heck, I thought, I can just try. So, I attended the first practice. My peers seemed surprised that I joined. I couldn’t blame them. I was quiet.
Weeks passed and I practiced my selected poem I wanted to recite. The poem was called “Lonely Loon.” I practiced it all the time, while walking to and from school, in between classes, even while I used the bathroom! I’d imagine how I’d present myself and my speech. I had to have a tone in my voice to release the mood of my poem. I also needed motions. Determination was at hand.
Finally, the week came to go to ----- to compete with other students from ------.It turned out I was actually looking forward to it. Until when Wednesday came near, and then it changed to agitation. I remember flying to ------ from ------. Too quick of a flight, the time said ten. Speech would start in three hours, I informed myself. Each minute passed, I knew I’d be entering my own death penalty, and I wasn’t looking forward to it.
The speech contest started at the district office at one. I hadn’t known speech was so popular. Viewing from the second floor, there were so many colorful duffle bags covering the main floor. I guessed there were at least 90 students.
Once I got my assigned room to present my speech, turtle-walk took over my legs. It had taken me at least fifteen minutes to finally give-in to find the room number. I got myself comfortable on the floor, and waited for the judges to call my name. Students appeared one by one. Oh my God, I thought agitatedly, white kids. My throat felt parched. My guts seemed like they’d come out any time. I read my speech a million times while waiting to distract myself. No turning back, I told myself.
I figured that we were going to give our speeches to two judges only. One judge came out of the room and started calling one student at a time. As each student came out of the door, their cheeks would be flushed red. Judges finally called my name after five students gone. I stood up and walked inside to the dungeon. Both of the judges weren’t Yup’ik. The two made my feeling of vomiting worsen. Whenever you’re ready, they said, smiling. I took a deep breathe and off I went. I didn’t know what to expect.
I actually did great for my first try in speech. When I first started giving my presentation, I knew my voice was shaking, my legs were weak. I heard my heart pounding in my ears. The whole time I was wondering if I was obvious that I was at the pit-point of losing myself. As I went along, I started relaxing and went with the flow of my poem. I was the poem. At the end of it, my face was red-hot.
My teacher was impressed. I managed to get to semi-finals as a 5th grader. I even gave my speech in front of other students in the second round. I actually liked the nervous feeling before giving my speech. I received back my score sheets. I was surprised to see it said my voice was loud and clear. I received a five, which was the highest you can get. Wow, I thought, I was loud enough.
The whole time during speech practice, my goal was to speak up louder and overcome my fear of talking in front of people. I accomplished it by choosing to do so. After experiencing my first speech contest, I joined every year until I graduated. Those years, I gave my speeches to at least 100 students through out ----s during finals. I placed in finals and earned trophies I’m proud of. In high school, I placed 1st few times.
I can say I broke my hard shell and have confidence in myself. One last thing I need to do now is, learn to do this for English 111. I’ll do what it takes to break my shyness once again. One quote I can refer to myself is, “Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon’em,” by William Shakespeare. Practicing is all it takes. I did it once, I can do it twice.
*****Removed places and changed names*****