Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Juno, AK ~9oh7~

Oh, how the smell of fresh cold air reminds me of back home. The land covered in moss, just like home. Everything is all green and beautiful. Although, the place is different from where I come from in some areas. For example, the tall "christmas" trees (which the village kids would call them) covering the hills, many cars going from the right lane and from the left, and everything is spread out.
Coming back to Juneau, I love it even more. Especially the feeling of being far from home. It's like, I have a chance to breathe calmly. Looking around me, there is different people I don't know. I actually like being a stranger to another stranger. Like, I don't know who they are, and they don't know me as well. Also the place is perfect with its own uniqueness. It's beautiful. People say I wouldn't stand the rain. Dude, I'd rather mold than go back to Bethel.
Piipirpa also likes this place. I'm not surprised at all. I recommend my friends back at home to come at least once for a good vacation. I'm planning to come here next fall. I hope I'll get here by then. I hope!
Piipirpa and I are spending time with Qurib. The three gang who graduated together a year ago. Of course, we're laughing, talking, going to places, and enjoying our time together. Just like the good old days. We even met her suite mates and her roommate. They are perfect roommates. Those girls are awesome. Qurib and her friends are so alike (laugh and more laughs).
Last night, the girls and I went out to down town to grab something to eat. The girls brought us to this place where I thought would be sort of fancy and tables cover with cloths. I was totally wrong. It was opposite. The place was so small. Chairs were different kinds of chairs. The ceiling wasn't so high above our heads. It seemed like it was suppose to be a garage or something. The place only had one kind of food to order. Only one! I saw each girl buying this food. They called it Pel-something. It looked not so good. I just stared at it. Gross, I thought, why would anyone eat this thing? I got my own and helped myself sit around the girls. Did I mention the table wobbled? The legs weren't leveled. I opened my food. I had to add cream cheese with it. When I actually took a bite, it was soooooo goood. I almost ate it all. Thinking of it, I want some more. Mmm-mmm goood!
Anyways, I'm not looking forward to going back home. I don't want to. I might write more on here before heading back home. Spring break is going swell!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Silent Child

Sad to say, I have low self-esteem ever since I reached 3rd grade. I was known to be the quietest student in Akiuk. Out of school, my community in ------ knew me as alingtaq, which means a person who gets scared of anything and anyone. In general, I was shy and quiet around people.
During the two years before going on to 3rd grade, I felt more comfortable with my environment and my teachers. One reason was because my classmates and I were educated in Yup’ik in all subjects. I felt like I conquered reading, writing, and math. Though, I was still quiet. Until I moved into 3rd grade, it worsened. The year I transferred from Yupik education to English. That meant I had an English teacher, who only spoke English.
I had Ms. Rose as my 3rd grade teacher. Whenever Ms. Rose called me in front of class to answer a question, she had to come real close to my mouth in order for her to hear me. Funny thing is, I still wasn’t heard. I was mute. Actually, being in English 111 brought back the memories how I used to be like then. Being the quiet one, and let others take charge.
I’m actually talkative. White people have intimidated me all my life. Their first language is English. I spoke Yup’ik growing up. I had to learn English when I finally entered 3rd grade. I had to work twice as hard to get to where I am now. I had issues talking in front of my own kind, too, in class. Yet, I knew the answers to what the teacher asked. I couldn’t talk in front of them because there was only one other girl in the class with me.
I hated quietness dominating me. I desired to come out of my shell. I was tired of being known as the shy girl in school. Instead of having clammy hands, I wanted to crack open to become confident and comfortable talking in front of an audience. I became determined to build my confidence. I didn’t know how I’d over come my silence.
Ms. Rose introduced speech contest to me in 5th grade. I thought students just gave a speech to only two judges through out the contest. Reluctantly, I joined speech. What the heck, I thought, I can just try. So, I attended the first practice. My peers seemed surprised that I joined. I couldn’t blame them. I was quiet.
Weeks passed and I practiced my selected poem I wanted to recite. The poem was called “Lonely Loon.” I practiced it all the time, while walking to and from school, in between classes, even while I used the bathroom! I’d imagine how I’d present myself and my speech. I had to have a tone in my voice to release the mood of my poem. I also needed motions. Determination was at hand.
Finally, the week came to go to ----- to compete with other students from ------.It turned out I was actually looking forward to it. Until when Wednesday came near, and then it changed to agitation. I remember flying to ------ from ------. Too quick of a flight, the time said ten. Speech would start in three hours, I informed myself. Each minute passed, I knew I’d be entering my own death penalty, and I wasn’t looking forward to it.
The speech contest started at the district office at one. I hadn’t known speech was so popular. Viewing from the second floor, there were so many colorful duffle bags covering the main floor. I guessed there were at least 90 students.
Once I got my assigned room to present my speech, turtle-walk took over my legs. It had taken me at least fifteen minutes to finally give-in to find the room number. I got myself comfortable on the floor, and waited for the judges to call my name. Students appeared one by one. Oh my God, I thought agitatedly, white kids. My throat felt parched. My guts seemed like they’d come out any time. I read my speech a million times while waiting to distract myself. No turning back, I told myself.
I figured that we were going to give our speeches to two judges only. One judge came out of the room and started calling one student at a time. As each student came out of the door, their cheeks would be flushed red. Judges finally called my name after five students gone. I stood up and walked inside to the dungeon. Both of the judges weren’t Yup’ik. The two made my feeling of vomiting worsen. Whenever you’re ready, they said, smiling. I took a deep breathe and off I went. I didn’t know what to expect.
I actually did great for my first try in speech. When I first started giving my presentation, I knew my voice was shaking, my legs were weak. I heard my heart pounding in my ears. The whole time I was wondering if I was obvious that I was at the pit-point of losing myself. As I went along, I started relaxing and went with the flow of my poem. I was the poem. At the end of it, my face was red-hot.
My teacher was impressed. I managed to get to semi-finals as a 5th grader. I even gave my speech in front of other students in the second round. I actually liked the nervous feeling before giving my speech. I received back my score sheets. I was surprised to see it said my voice was loud and clear. I received a five, which was the highest you can get. Wow, I thought, I was loud enough.
The whole time during speech practice, my goal was to speak up louder and overcome my fear of talking in front of people. I accomplished it by choosing to do so. After experiencing my first speech contest, I joined every year until I graduated. Those years, I gave my speeches to at least 100 students through out ----s during finals. I placed in finals and earned trophies I’m proud of. In high school, I placed 1st few times.
I can say I broke my hard shell and have confidence in myself. One last thing I need to do now is, learn to do this for English 111. I’ll do what it takes to break my shyness once again. One quote I can refer to myself is, “Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon’em,” by William Shakespeare. Practicing is all it takes. I did it once, I can do it twice.

*****Removed places and changed names*****

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Remember the Time?

Rewinding to the time,
where you first became awake,
describing how it made you feel,
wondering why you remember?
How vivid it was to see,
there was action to be a memory too.
A drug used in parents
the smell is known at the age of 2.
The violence what a drug can do
to the ones who you love
are known to once been in jail.
Calling 911 was introduced at the age of 5,
few to dial... fail to turn in one.
Knowing the drink will dissolve who you love
seeing the sluring mouth,
how the breath smells.
Never once tried, yet curious to try?
Why people do take the monsterous drink?
Few more, man become dizzy
and more to just let the mind free.
Bottle empty, time to hide in the room.
How memorable it could be,
sometimes at the end...
the bottle just kills a man, maybe
a person you once knew.
How dreadful a drug can do,
but at the end, what's life's point-a-view?

Sunday, February 14, 2010

No Emotions

I can't really understand why men are the way they are. I know men wonder the same about girls. Why do lil' things matter? Why can't men show their emotions? Why do they shove away emotional people? I'm finally figuring why they do it. I thought it was very interesting.
This semester, I'm taking psychology course. I had no idea psychology is all about science in order to understand and figure out why we think and act as we do. My classmates and I in the beginning were silent to disguss about the modules we were assigned to read. I thought the class was boring. Until we contributed to talk during the hour. My instructor became at ease.
One module was talking about culture norms, gender typing, etc. I learned men are naturally aggressive physically. It's in their genes. I wondered if they aren't so emotional because of aggression. I was wrong.
I learned that parents and peers shape what is expected from a boy and a girl. One example was asked by our intructor: How would two parents react when their son trips and falls? Do they tell him he's a big boy and big boys don't cry? How about to girls? Would they have the same reaction to their girl? Yes, parents would tell their son not to cry and 'man up'. This tells them, crying isn't for boys. It does block their emotions.
Even boys in school teases a boy who is more emotional, taunting that he's a cry baby. Where do these kids learn from this gender typing? When I was in preschool, I hated going to school because I was always teased I was a cry baby. I was told by boys who were one grade up from me. I was surprised other girls in my class never cried at all, even they were bothered by older boys. In villages, I see a lot of children who never made a sob even they fall hard on the head.
I think it's sad most boys are taught not to have feelings and taught it's bad to express them to other people. I also started reading this book, Raising Clain, which is also assigned to read for psychology class. I recommend it to all men! This will make them understand, yet hard for them to read. Also to mothers who are raising their son or sons.
I also didn't know men who were taught not to be emotional as young boys, will more likely be lonely men and with depression. SCARY.
We can always make a change, but it doesn't always mean it'll be easy.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


My thanksgiving weekend.. my mind almost disappeared and got lost. I was stressed about many things. Although, I had a long weekend to spend time with homework and catching up in certain classes.. I cared less. Instead of being here in Kasigluk, I went down to Atmautluak and visited my relatives and friends. It wasn't so bad.. I made like two complicating bracelets for my aunty. It took one day to get one done.. not that I was working on it non-stopping. I was seriously having fun beading.. the whole time beading was my time to think and everything seems to make more sense when I was done. For some reason through out my patience and thinking about my life.. I felt like I was making out my life and mistakes I made were corrected as I went with my beading.. Beading was me who was mending my life as I went and whenever I made a mistake was to correct it and go back. At some point I never noticed I made a mistake that wasn't been learned or noticed of my beads. I'm so weird. What I've been doing was just thinking about life and I really enjoyed spending my time with my relatives. Ate many different kinds of thanksgiving foods. It was awesome! I took pictures while I was in Atmautluak. I was amm.. nothing much to do. 

Monday, November 17, 2008

My Community

Growing up in Kasigluk all my life, I never really saw how our community feels about each other. Until two weeks ago I found out the first time how my community does care and support for each other after a terrible incident with the Anvils' house that was accidently got burned. Everything was lost within the house. It was horrible sight and made me cry since my friend's house was fallen into ashes. 
Few days after the burning, our youth group announced they were going to have a cake walk here in Akiuk school. I wasn't planning on going and support. I decided I had to go for my friend's sake. I thought the cake walk was going to be a brief, but I was wrong. I didn't except so many people that would support and donate many cakes and items. Since the other times of the cake walk events that happened in the past were short and hardly any people came. That day was different. 
I never saw so many people coming to a cake walk. 
All that time I was surprised how my community really cares and willing to help. I was thanking God the whole time. Each round I was elated. There was about 100 people there to give their money because of the Anvil's. 
At the end of the cake walk... they counted the money. Fannie insisted that the Anvil family should go in front of everyone before the announcement of how much they made for them. They were hesitant. They couldn't because they couldn't express their feelings and it's hard for me to pick a right word to explain how my community and the Family felt. It was emotional and hard to describe. At that moment, we were a community helping each others out as one. 
It turned out Paul Slim donated punks and raffled them out and turned out it made couple hundred dollars just that time. Counting the cake walk was at least probably one thousand. It was amazing. 
That wasn't only it. Moravian youth group had raised money to go to Tunt for AMYF for couple of months. They had raised two thousand dollars to pay off their air fair. The group had decided to do something else than go to Tunt last week. All had decided to give up the trip and give the money to the family who really needed it. I was touched and nothing else could be said. Fannie let everyone who was involved go in front and one by one they gave the two thousand dollars to the Anvil's family. The Anvil parents were crying.. and everyone else was crying. Thinking about it.. it's still emotional in a wonderful way. 
Today... I'm proud to say I'm from Kasigluk and my community is my home. 

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I had an awesome Halloween this year.. one of the best too!! Friday after lunch.. most of the highschool girls were in the bathroom putting on make up to go trick-o-treating over at Akula. I had fake blood on my face.. blood streaming down my eyes, lips, and nose. It was just nasty. I also put on mascara and blinked as hard as I can. It seems like my face was smeared and like I've been crying. Thats all I did and went with Baby, Crazy, and Pink with a four-wheeler. HOLY crap, I was soo cold going over. So we all waited at the store (weird place to meet) for the other girls to start going house to house. I felt like I was back in middle school where we didn't care who was thinking we were too old to go out candy seeking. I had soo much fun!!!! When we started trick-o-treating we were all in a big group. Towards the middle of treating.. we were all spread. One funny thing was Pink and me went into those house and started running. We were so busy trying to hurry up to catch up with the other girls. We ran into this house and Pink recognized the rug we already have gone into.. I, on the other hand, recognized the same man. We both turned around and were so embarrassed. Takarnarqeq.. EMBARRASSING! 
The next day on Nov. 1, all the high school students got the hunted hall way ready before seven in the evening. Well.. Finally everything was ready from all the work and we had to dress up. Our library was the exorcist room. I was made to use a little pink gown that sort of fit me like the exorcist. Bev put me on sickening green all over my face and black lines to show my wounds. It was awesome. Through out the haunted hall way.. I had soo much fun ... I wasn't really scary.. but enough to freak people out. I enjoyed my night. 

The picture was after we were done with the haunted hall.